A few weeks ago the comedian D.L. Hughly on his radio program said in essence that one of the reasons there is so much going on in our society that many of us find distasteful and even disgusting is due to the fact that we as a society have lost our sense of "SHAME". A statement I readily agreed with until he made it very clear that he was not including "INFIDELITY" in the list of negative behaviors we should be ashamed of. This is because Brother D.L. believes that "INFIDELITY IS NATURAL". I thoroughly agree with Brother Hughly that we in America have lost our sense of shame and we need to get it back. I do not agree, however, that infidelity should be left off of the list of things we should be ashamed of. I most certainly do not agree that that we can excuse infidelity just because it is supposedly "NATURAL".
Let me hasten to say that it is not my desire to start a war of words with this iconic comedian. He has the right to his opinion and I respect his right as an American to express that opinion, however, I claim the right to respectfully,prayerfully, and lovingly express my disagreement with him.
Sexual urges are most certainly natural. When the opportunity presents itself those urges can be satisfied in acts of infidelity. The question is are we in control of our urges or do our urges control us? As mature and intelligent adult human beings we should be in full control of our urges because we should be are aware of the serious and lasting consequences that can be incurred by giving into our urges, especially through infidelity. We most certainly can choose to surrender to the desires of our bodies, but we most certainly do not have to surrender to those desires. It is a choice!
Let us face the fact that there are many things that are "natural", yet society frowns upon it if these "natural" things are not handled in the proper way. To not handle certain natural things properly can be detrimental to ones self and to others. It is natural for a small child to claim things as his\her own when something catches their fancy. We adults, however, teach them that claiming what is not ours is stealing. It is natural for children to want to harm those that causes them strife and pain but we adults teach them that they cannot settle their issues with violence. Furthermore, the desire to excrete bodily waste is natural yet we do so only at designated times and places. If we expect our children to learn how to control all of these other natural urges then why should we not be expected to control the natural urge for sex? If we were allowed to give in to all our "NATURAL URGES" at any time and in any way, with no thought given to the consequences, we really would not have a civilization at all! We would be living in barbaric, hedonistic, heathenistic,and savage chaos. We would be no better than the lower forms of animals that are moved by instinct and not by a rational thought process.
It would be foolish not to recognize that sexual urges are very natural and especially so for men, however, it would be just as foolish not to admit that much of the promiscuity and infidelity amongst men is really more about stroking the fragile male ego than about satisfying a natural urge. For many men it is not at all about the urge but about the game of seduction. It is an ego boost to get as many women as possible to fall for our "game". Part of this obsession with successfully "running a game" on women comes out of men constantly being in unhealthy competition with other men. We have a huge need to brag about how many notches we have on our "guns" in order to boost our egos. The guys that just want to seduce a woman for bragging rights could not care less about pleasing a woman, but for some guys their egos are stroked by gaining the reputation of being a dude that can give a woman the ultimate "thrill" in bed. The more women they can thrill the more manly they feel. I think the reason some men make multiple children by multiple women is because the children become physical proof that they are "studs". The existence of all these babies tells the world that I am a "man".
My fellow black men may get angry with me for saying this, however, I truly believe that we Black men are especially vulnerable to sexual temptation because from the day the first Black people arrived in Jamestown, Virginia in chains in 1619 until the present, America has done everything in its power by word and deed to keep the Black male from ever feeling like a true man. "Old Massa" did all he could to emasculate our forefathers while urging them to make as many slave babies as possible. During the Jim Crow era emasculation continued. If we exerted our manhood in even the smallest way we were demeaned and degraded "back into our places". The only thing we had that was all ours, could make us feel good, and feel like a true man at the same time was between our legs. We therefore, cherished "it" and all we could with "it", thus feeding our egos. That legacy lingers with us as Black men today.
For a small but real group of guys sex is really more medicinal than it is about satisfying an urge. Some of our brothers engage in as much sex as they can, with as many partners as they can because for them sex as an opiate used to dull the overwhelming pain that comes from gaping emotional wounds inflicted on them by a society that scorns, fears and rejects them, school systems that vilify and nullify them, communities that exploit, endanger, and dehumanize them, and some times by homes that abused, misused, and neglected them.
No matter what the underlying reasons we have for engaging in infidelity it is still wrong. The only exception I might concede to is when a couple mutually agrees to be in an open relationship. An open relationship is not something that I can agree to be apart of, however, I will not judge or knock couples that have this kind of arrangement.
What truly is disturbing is seeing so many people that claim to be religious that seem to buy into what brother D.L. is espousing. Yet, we who are Christians are taught that in baptism the old sinful nature dies and is buried as we go under the water. A new Christ like nature is born as we are come up out of the water. For a Christian to say that he\she engages in infidelity because it is natural is to negate 2nd Corinthians 5:17 which says "if any man be in Christ he is a new creation; old things have passed away, behold, all things have become new".
I am especially sensitive to the fact that there is always someone watching us and using us as role models, especially young people. Often there are people watching us that we are not even aware of. If we allow ourselves to willfully, consciously, and purposely be an immoral "alley cat" then the person watching us may assume that it is alright to be an "alley cat". It would be even worse if the person watching us would decide to have nothing to do with church at all because what he\she sees amongst the people in church is no different and no better than the mess he\she sees in the world. In fact the person watching us may cease to seek a relationship with God all together. I would not want that tragedy on my conscience at all.
It does not matter if you call it infidelity, cheating, catting around, creeping, or slipping, dipping, and midnight tipping this negative and immoral behavior causes indescribable and overwhelming pain in so many ways. I have seen a tremendous amount of pain and sorrow inflicted on my own relatives by infidelity. Needless and senseless pain has been thrust upon spouses and significant others as well as the "side pieces". The biggest victims are the children. Both the children born in committed relationships as well as their half siblings that are the result of illicit affairs often experience enormous and lasting pain. We the extended family hurt also because sometimes we are forced to take sides even when we don't want to. It hurts the extended family to find out years down the road about relatives they did not know they had that are the results of some one in the family being a "cat". I have experienced this myself. It hurts when I think about all the years I missed not being able to love and be in fellowship with my relatives because I didn't know they even existed. It hurts to think about the wonderful special family events these relatives missed ( graduations, birthdays, baptism, Christmas, Thanksgiving, reunions, weddings, etc.) and the fact they never got to know their grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins that have passed on. Of course the cheating culprit him\herself will ultimately experience some level of pain due to their actions. All to often, however, they either do not admit their pain or they find ways to push pass it so that they can continue to be serial cheaters.
I cannot help wondering that if brother D.L. is so dismissive about infidelity is he comfortable with his wife cheating? After all "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" or in this case vice versa. I do not know this great comedian personally but my guess is that he would become completely unhinged if he even thought his wife was getting her "groove on" with some other man. Just like the lower forms of animals we humans are territorial. Both men and women feel violated when our territory is invaded.
I have been married to my wife for almost thirty-one years. Some people will find it hard to believe that I have never even come close to "tricking around" on my wife. I can truthfully say that I have never even entertained a serious thought regarding cheating. Even when I have been on trips a long way from home over night without my wife I have kept my integrity. I do not cheat because I cannot bear the thought of inflicting unnecessary pain on my wife, children, and grandchildren, nor do I want to risk losing their respect and trust. Across the nation there are young people that look to me as a father figure. For any of them to be lead astray because of my actions or to lose their respect and trust would be devastating. I don't cheat because it makes no sense to risk everything I have fought to have, especially my good name, over something that was quick and meaningless.
Of course the most important reason that I do not cheat is because I love and respect my God to much to willfully and consciously disobey his commandment not too engage in adultery. I love and respect God too much to break the vow I made to He and my wife to "forsake all others and to cleave only unto her as long as we both shall live". I know that God's prohibition of adultery is not to deny me sexual pleasure but to make sure that I can enjoy sexual pleasure without having the regrets and negative consequences that can accompany sex that is gotten outside of God's will. God's way is the best way!
As I approach the end of this essay I want to emphasize that I am not in any way implying that because I have not committed the sin of cheating that I am better than those that have. I am the first to say that I am still a very flawed human being. I am a work in progress. I am a sinner saved by Grace. I am saying, however, that by at least trying not to willfully,consciously, and purposely sin there have been so many pitfalls and storms that I have been spared. It is comforting to be able to say that there is no long list of women that can say I used them for my pleasure then threw them away like a used paper plate. There are no children that can accuse me of only being a "sperm donor" but not a true Daddy. I don not have to pay child support for children I did not want, was not ready for, and could not really afford. I have not had to deal with "baby momma drama", jealous ex-girl friends, dads and brothers that want to defend a female loved one's honor, and no vengeful husbands or scorned boy friends. I have avoided both the pain and embarrassment of contracting an STD. Just for attempting to do things God's way I have been given a "joy that the world cannot give" and a "peace that passes understanding"
I cannot fall to sleep at night thinking about a long list of women that were my sexual conquest. I have only been physically intimate with two women in my life and I am married to one of the two. With the help of the Savior, Jesus Christ, I can go to sleep each night saying to myself "it is well, it is well, it is well with my soul". God bless each of you.
No comments:
Post a Comment